I was on a panel a few years ago when I was stopped in my tracks by a quote from a fellow businesswoman. She said her most important life lesson was to stay focused on the concept that she wants others to “cater to my success, not my ego.”
It was a game changer for the way I thought about, well, everything.
During my 20s and even my 30s, I truly wanted the kind of feedback that told me I was doing great. The slightest criticism left me up at night, twisting and turning on how, why and what I could do to improve. In my 40s and even now, I crave solid, constructive feedback, even the kind that might not feel good. If I give a speech, for example, I love it when someone gives me an “‘atta girl,” but I love it even more when someone takes the time to point out where I could have expanded, improved, etc. In my personal life, I think it’s still a challenge sometimes to receive feedback you don’t really want to hear.
We of course should want that for ourselves, but it can be a bit uncomfortable to be in the middle of the “ring” so to speak. It is important that feedback is both honest and fair, and delivered with honor. We need to remember that although Brene Brown (Dare to Lead, Daring Greatly, Rising Strong, Braving the Wilderness) is on point with her, “Clear is Kind,” that it’s only kind if we do so with respect and a true intent to build value to the person. On that point then, feedback is, at its root form, a trust exercise. It’s best delivered within that context and in a trusted relationship. Maya Angelou’s famous quote seems to play well here:
“People will forget what you said. People will forget what you did. But people will never forget how you made them feel.”
I think we need to remember that when we are on the delivery side.
I could provide a multi-point process here that may help with some steps on how to receive or give feedback, but that is for another blog. Today, I think it is more powerful to simply offer up the concept that we really need to not only be okay with trusted friends and colleagues helping us level up, but that we should seek it out. We will no doubt serve ourselves and others better if we can!